Friday, January 08, 2010

In Bed

I stayed been in bed all day because sleep has been so much easier than feeling. I crave the sounds of Patty Griffin...her voice seems to clear my heart of this darkness...the Kite Song is one of my favorites.
...The phone rang tonight and it was my Grandmother and we talked about funny stories and family and of love and of creativity and gifts and relatives with names like Tennessee and Texas. Something she told me really helped: she said her Aunt used to tell her when she felt the blackness creeping in, "Sarah, you just have to rise above."
And she is right. Life is too short to waste time with self pity and asking questions that will never have any answers and letting the darkness in too far...
Yes, I'm sure I'm not finished with this grief, It has only just begun; but today was the first and the last day of staying in bed and allowing sleep to take the place of feeling and doing and being and creating.
That just isn't who I am.
I look into the eyes of my children and my husband and into the faces in photographs of my beautiful mother and sister smiling out at me and I feel so grateful... blessed that I am not, after all, much like the man who helped to "make" me. A man who could so easily forget.
I am where I've been, but that isn't as important as where I am going....I am the journey...toward understanding. toward love. toward hope. toward grace. toward God. toward creating an authentic life.
And when I look into the beautiful eyes of my mother, I feel so graced to be that reflection in her eyes, as I have been for over 40 years now...as she has been reflected in mine...and she has been on this journey with me. Unfailing. Constant. Ever present even in the very difficult moments.
and that is what matters.