Last night I wrote these words: "I don't have the strength to fight for me today. I just want to sink into this bed and these soft feathers and old quilts into oblivion....simply fade away like dusk...leaving a trail of stars. I'm really not afraid to die. I think I'm afraid of what I'll miss...will I be looking down on my children from heaven or visiting in their dreams, like my father does to me...?
the constant daily pain and creeping numbness have just become something I've learned to live with, but this disease scares me. Why this slow decay? Why now the fumbling hands as I try to create? Why, after 40 years of living, have I finally found my creative joy, only to have it taken from me bit by bit?"
This morning, I awoke feeling a little better. The cats are all out playing in the yard...it is overcast and cool. My dear husband is outside transplanting clumps of violets and wildflowers and daffodils from the back edge of the yard to the front, around our statue of Mary and around the side of our home...It's quiet except for the red winged blackbirds and sparrows tweeting in the trees next door... I hear his shovel turning soil and the hose spraying and the soft sound of curtains breathing in and out with the gentle morning breeze. Life is so incredibly good sometimes I am moved to grateful tears. And then I feel rotten about complaining about anything. I know there are people out there that have it so much worse than I can ever imagine...but it doesn't change my story or my struggle for some semblance of a "normal" life.
Jenny Lee Wentworth sent me this painting recently! It was a complete surprise! and such a delight...I cherish it....and the incredible thoughtfulness and selflessness that went into her work. She even used real egg shells at the bottom and lace from one of her favorite worn out shirts along the bottom. I love the colors and the softness and the words....her blog is a gentle space where she shares her journey into painting and into life itself...wide open to possibility and hope. You can find it here.
My dear friend Carissa Paige is another dear soul who sends me the sweetest things...this just came for my birthday this year and I'm filling it with favorite letters and things.
|top of the box|
|bottom of the box|
|sweetness from Carissa|