Saturday, August 13, 2011

If Love Could Have Saved You, You Would Have Lived Forever

Dear Cutie Bear Cat,

Did you know Jeremy named you? I would have chosen something less child-like for you...something maybe like Felix or Haskell maybe. But it became so fitting for you...and I ended up calling you cootie or coots anyway. Thank you for for forgiving the silliness of it.
I've been looking at urns and stones with paw prints and corny sayings and markers and necklaces with little vials so that I can wear you on my person if I need to...I don't know how to let go. There is such an empty space here, everywhere you were, sweet little fur baby friend.
I knew from the beginning you were dear nighttime constant. It was you and it was me in the stillness at 2 a.m. as I created away in our shared circle of light. You in my lap or near my feet. The stillness and darkness of night was warmed by the soft wonder of your eyes. You looked to me for love, which I so freely gave to you with a wide open heart. Isn't that how we are supposed to love? Like you did?
I feel foolish for grieving you so. Are "grownups" supposed to grieve like this? Surely you knew how I loved you...and life around me goes spinning on as always and my heart is breaking for the missing of you. The deep and throbbing missing that won't lighten with the passing of days or even shopping for old jewelry to assemble.
I couldn't save you. I keep asking myself if there was more I could have done...did I do the right thing by calling our sweet small town vet for a home visit that would end your life. I can't handle the finality of it. You fought until the end, dear soul.
Thank you for gathering your last tiny bit of strength to visit me one last night as I settled in to sleep. I knew it would be the last time...dear furry companion, as I warmed you with the quilt that she made for me months ago to comfort me when I thought my body had given out for good. You stayed beside me night and day while I was sick and rising was out of the question. Did I thank you for that?

I've cried in the bathroom so no one would hear. I've cried in the bedroom so the children won't see... I've cried at 3 a.m. under the moon on the back yard bench. And the tears arrive again in the corners of my eyes as I write this. When will the ache of your absence leave me? There is such a huge hole in the shape of you here.
Please know that I loved you and that you were so extraordinary in so many ways. You were more than just a pet. There was more to you...i knew that. You had such a spirit, such wisdom, and you loved loved me.....irreplaceable, gentle, you. I miss you terribly.
Your ashes arrive tomorrow. And how in the world shall I proceed?

Your forever, forever friend,