Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Apple Blossoms and Fences

      Kim’s passing has changed me. Last night I dreamed of apple blossomtrees and skipping and running my fingers along a chain fence…I’d forgotten how that felt. I knew she was the reason I was experiencing those things. Winter is here in Michigan, and the landscape is wiry with empty trees and sheets of white. No wonder I dreamed of childhood and springtime…but even then, asleep; I was aware of her presence.
     There is not a moment that is not infused with the knowing that it could have been me in that truck, on that road, on that wintry day. Or any other day for that matter.
Each moment of my life has become more vivid, more detailed, more about love and loving more, and less about the lack of things.
     Now there are times, like any human being, that I loose my way and the frustration of every day life cowers over me. I grumble about this and that, like we all do…then I think of her.
     And I wonder if she knows how she has changed the world in the leaving of it. I wonder if that is ok to say. There are so many questions, as always, that I have learned to accept. Questions that never have answers…like why someone so vibrant and lovely has to die and leave little girls  behind. My sister and I were those little girls once. Left behind by the death of  someone vibrant and loving, and left with the wondering why and the unanswered questions.
     Kim has put the color back into my life. She has infused each day with the intricacies  and wonders of it…she has brought brilliance back into glints of sunshine through the trees and richness in sounds and more joy in the every day moments that get lost in the day. For me, there are a lot less of those lost moments now. I have become more aware of my life and those moments…more absorbed into them…needing very much to braille them into the pages of my memory.
     I wonder if she knows this. I want her to know this. Her passing was not in vain. She lives inside of me, so that I may pass that vibrancy of life and loving on to others…and on, and on, and on.
     It is a strange thing, this grief. It is a muddy composition of sadness that catches me off guard, and an awareness of overwhelming joy and gratitude for the gift of life that I have been given.Each day; a gift.
     Thank you, sweet Kim, for your presence here in this life, so that I may be more present in mine, and in the lives of others. It isn't with selfishness that I say these things. Your passing was not in vain. You are not lost to the world. You are forever a part of it; living on through your children and through those who will hold you in their hearts and minds always.
Generations are touched by the sun of your smile.