Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Frosted Window "Pains"

View from Studio Window This Morning
     This year I am focusing on letting go. Mostly letting go of people that I love deeply...ideas of what relationships should be...and what they should not. Trusting in the process and that everything is as it should be is unsettling for me, when some relationships feel so unfinished...like the end of a record, static in my ears, and I cannot lift the arm to start the music and dancing again.
     Here, in the depth of winter, I go within.  I know that the process is not about them, but about my ideas and expectations of what love should be. It is about letting go of my firm grasp of faux control and allowing love to heal. It begins with loving myself more. It begins with believing that I am enough. It begins with forgiving myself...because no one is better than me at demolishing my self worth...
I'm the best self ass-kicker there ever was. Even at nearly 45 years old, I still flagillate myself for things I did 20 years ago that I know need to be put to rest. I am not the same woman I was at 20 or 30 or even 6 months ago. I have the gift of introspection...I am ever evolving. 
     Forgiving myself is much harder for me than forgiving others. Letting go is hard...and I wonder why it comes so easy for others. Trust is hard, but I cannot profess that God has a plan and then question it.
I want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle. I am here too. Peeling my own white knuckled fingers off of the edge of certainty. Falling is never easy. But you are not alone in it.
Let's trust. Let's let go together, shall we?

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