Tuesday, October 19, 2010

On the Old Rotary Phone with God Again


Hi God, It's me.
Hey listen, I've been told that I should not talk about my illness because somehow it will manifest itself more fully if given a voice...that I should not ever speak of it...especially not on my blog. And it brings folks down. My blog is supposed to project an image that people want to be a part of. I am selling a fantasy that goes a long with my work. People don't want to read about negative things such as being sick and diseases. What's your take on that?

Well, but then I have also been told that my story needs to be told. Tell your story; I read so often how important ones story is and how healing it is to tell it. Is that more true than what I just said before? I'm a little confused. Which one should I choose?

I have been told that it is ok not to be a Pollyanna all the time and to find the brighter side of everything...to just be angry for awhile at You for the hand I've been dealt. I kinda like that idea, but it just isn't me. Then there is the guilt though. The guilt I feel for even complaining when so many have it so much worse, God. I know you know.
I am aware of this.
I am aware of how good I really do have it. I am. I am even acutely aware each time I walk to my kitchen faucet to fill up my cup with clean fresh water for my tea...each time I take a shower or a bath...
I donate part of my earnings to Blood: Water Mission just for that reason. But you already know that, right? You know I try to make a difference any way I can......yeah........
But you know God, being aware of the struggle that others have does not make my daily physical life better. I wake up so much more grateful for the day you have given, though I can barely move. I am acutely aware of the gift of each day...the beauty which I revel in...the joy I find in living in the moment; though each day there is a moment that I hold a bottle of narcotic pain killer in my hand and decide if the pain is bad enough today to take it, because I am terrified of becoming addicted to the only thing that makes me somewhat comfortable.
You see me. I know.
and uuuuuuummmmmmm, soooooo
my thoughts are almost always positive and good and I try to live in the moment God, but in the back of my mind, IT is always there, like a heavy appliance on my back. And IT whispers in my ear; will today be the day?.....today?  and IT says, if you are this bad now, imagine what you will be like at 50.
Then then your voice comes to me and says, this will all become clearer to you later on...the reasons for all of this. Isn't that what you believe? Don't you believe in me? And you put your hand on my shoulder. I like it when you do that....I like that a lot, you know. It comforts me.
and
I feel your presence. Even when days are difficult. I feel you in the laughter of my children...in the color of the fall leaves...in the gentle touch of my husbands hand...in the words and gifts from friends....and even though I get angry, it melts away soon enough. I still love you and all that you are...I still believe.
I just thought I'd call. Sorry for the long message, but I know your answering machine has no end. Thanks for that.