Thursday, August 12, 2010

On the Old Rotary Phone with God

Today I am listening to the Patty Griffin station on Pandora and enjoying the rest of the day from behind the big picture window glass because it is so damn hot this afternoon. You know summer isn't my favorite season. The house is still today. Well, at least for a little while, so we can talk. The cats are all napping. Jeremy is watching Wubbzy. And Pandora is singing through the speakers to me to just breathe. Just breathe....

This morning, you gave me a sign. At least i think it was a sign. Could you confirm that?
I wandered outside with thoughts of mylifethusfar. How long will I live now that I have this so called rare disease....I....I  mean this gift? This thing that has opened my eyes so wide to the wonder of it all and at the same time fills them with tears? Is what I am doing relevant to the world? Is it worthwhile? Does anyone really care about these pictures of sunflowers for the new blogpost or the new earrings I made last night? Am I on the right path? Sometimes the voices in my head get really really loud about how stupid all of this is. How no one reallycaresaboutjewelry. How no one really readsyourstupidbloganyway. How it's too late for me. I shouldhavestartedthissooner.
And so I ask you, God, what is true? What is real?
Sometimes the tears stream down my face at night (Of course when everyone is asleep you know, so I don't upset anyone) in a mix of deepest gratitude and Amen and why me and mixes of grief and joy; I get confused God. I get confused. What is my purpose here?
Anyway, back to the sign. I think this was it.....I think it was.

Am I right? Were you trying to tell me that I am only just beginning? That my wings haven't even fully opened yet? That I am beautiful? That life is all about experiences and we can only ever be what we leave behind in the hearts and minds of others? That I'm going to be alright?
Thank you. I really needed that, God. I really did. Yes, I think I'm going to be ok. Thanks for answering the phone. Sometimes I wonder if this old rotary phone still works but I love it so......