Thursday, August 12, 2010

On the Old Rotary Phone with God

Today I am listening to the Patty Griffin station on Pandora and enjoying the rest of the day from behind the big picture window glass because it is so damn hot this afternoon. You know summer isn't my favorite season. The house is still today. Well, at least for a little while, so we can talk. The cats are all napping. Jeremy is watching Wubbzy. And Pandora is singing through the speakers to me to just breathe. Just breathe....

This morning, you gave me a sign. At least i think it was a sign. Could you confirm that?
I wandered outside with thoughts of mylifethusfar. How long will I live now that I have this so called rare disease....I....I  mean this gift? This thing that has opened my eyes so wide to the wonder of it all and at the same time fills them with tears? Is what I am doing relevant to the world? Is it worthwhile? Does anyone really care about these pictures of sunflowers for the new blogpost or the new earrings I made last night? Am I on the right path? Sometimes the voices in my head get really really loud about how stupid all of this is. How no one reallycaresaboutjewelry. How no one really readsyourstupidbloganyway. How it's too late for me. I shouldhavestartedthissooner.
And so I ask you, God, what is true? What is real?
Sometimes the tears stream down my face at night (Of course when everyone is asleep you know, so I don't upset anyone) in a mix of deepest gratitude and Amen and why me and mixes of grief and joy; I get confused God. I get confused. What is my purpose here?
Anyway, back to the sign. I think this was it.....I think it was.

Am I right? Were you trying to tell me that I am only just beginning? That my wings haven't even fully opened yet? That I am beautiful? That life is all about experiences and we can only ever be what we leave behind in the hearts and minds of others? That I'm going to be alright?
Thank you. I really needed that, God. I really did. Yes, I think I'm going to be ok. Thanks for answering the phone. Sometimes I wonder if this old rotary phone still works but I love it so......


  1. First things first-I read your notanounceofstupid blog and you have blessed me! Your writing is wonderful, your insight is grace filled and inspiring and I am grateful I found Sacred Cake! Second-though what weighs your unfurling wings down may not be what weighs others down-I believe in convergences (though not in coincidences). Often we cross paths with people right at that moment God intends us to and it is usually purposeful. If I can do nothing more than to tell you I prayed for you today or to let you know you touch others-whether it is the perfect pair of earrings that make them feel momentarily beautiful or through a well placed word or kindness-your unique voice and talents make this a better world! I for one am better for having crossed paths with you!

  2. Reading your blog makes my day. I love seeing the world through your eyes. Your are the light in the darkness. Without people like you, the world for people like me would be so much smaller, sadder, lonelier. I am grateful that you take the time to share. I wish I could pop over, have a cuppa and give you a hug and say "everything you do is worthwhile".

  3. wow. that is so wonderful! what an awesome find. and i love how you interpret it. perfect.

    i totally understand how you feel. is there anyone out there? especially when there are few comments... i start to wonder if i'm just talking to myself. ( i do that too...) but either way i feel better when i take my photographs, or write on my blog. it soothes my soul.

    i'm heading off to read more of your blog. i love your soft voice and want to hear more!

    (i already favorited one of your necklaces on etsy...) beautiful!

  4. Amen!!! To all of the wonderful comments and to how you read the sign given to you...

  5. What I feel is that it doesnt matter whether its Important with a capital "I", it's my escape into this mindset of beauty, poetry and evocativeness, history and culture and alternate world-views seen through the language of aesthetics.
    As for a personal God, can't offer an opinion one way or another. But I can say that my life matters just because it matters to ME. I blog for the pleasure of it, even though getting lots of comments is addictive. But, if I enjoy having it and knowing its there, what does it matter if others care about it?. If it isn't fun for it's own sake, then it's ok to put it aside for a bit, and look around for something that is. Or do the laundry, whatever.
    Also, I don't know where we all get this feeling that it's only valid to do something when/if you're young. Don't forget- when you're young you're a mess, at least I was. Who cares our age? Nowadays, women especially are coming into their own so much in their later years. Just picture Kira Sedwick from the Closer (hot!) and remember that all we have is the present anyway, whether our bodies are currently looking saggy or perky.
    OK, done babbling. Just that your post made my heart hurt.

  6. You may, at moments, question your worth, your relevance, but at your core, there is no question; we are, each and all, veterans of the ageless arts, beyond time and treasure, beyond the sensation of pain. Waking, sleeping, waking, sleeping, yet always in all ways, you are the artist, the bodhisattva, the muse to many. Question when you will, but always return to that truth. Say it to yourself and I shall say it with you, but say it softly, so as not to wake the sleepers too suddenly.

  7. I read your piece in Artful Blogging and had to stop by your blog. Your words here immediately touched my heart. And I believe that is what blogging is about.

    All the same doubts plague me and cause me to lose my creative spark. But know that from a newbie, your blog...on this day...made a difference to me.

    Hugs to you!

  8. I can only reiterate what others have stated so gracefully before my comment. Your writing is lovely and so obviously from the heart that I feel, after reading just a bit of your blog, that we have met somewhere already.

    Like someone has already said but I mean it no less, your writings have touched me.

  9. I was reading Artful Blogging and came upon your article and wanted to read more about you. It was definitely a sign. I wanted to share with you a similar experience involving a butterfly. My mom passed away in April of 1999and that year was the saddest of my life. There were many tears and althougth I never questioned why God took her my heart hurt every day from her loss. On a particularly mild winter day I went to sit on my front porch outside to cry, of course so noone else would know and I was in a very deep place of pain and sorrow and as I rocked and cried a monarch butterfly appeared and landed on my arm. I watched breathless as he fluttered his wings and then flew away. The back story to this is that my mother loved butterflies, you could say they were her passion and to her they meant new beginnings. It was a profound moment for me and a turning point in my life and my grieving process. Her death at 56 showed me how amazingly precious each moment in our lives is and helped me to live a fuller and more meaningful life for the last 11 years

  10. I think you have the same voice in your head that I have in mine. That is exactly what it says. Stupid. Too late. Nobody cares.

    I do believe in a sovereign, personal God that is as deeply interested in our doings as we are in our children's. More so, because He never gets tired, depressed or distracted. Better than us at our best. There is no occurrence that escapes Him, not even a butterfly.

    But if you want a more meaningful sign, I think you should reread that note your boy gave you.

    How can anything be stupid if you are accomplishing that? <3 :)

  11. BTW, I'm not usually all that into jewelery, most of it is kind of mass produced, I don't know.. Kinda boring, but I told my family that if they ever get a compulsive need to get me some it is to be one of yours.

    It is giving something when you make something with heart.


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